Tag Archives: GETTING OLDER

The “Anti-Versary”

9 May

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I drank a bottle of wine and cried myself to sleep last night. There. I said it. Now I feel at least slightly better about the amount of self-pity I bestowed myself. Most of my friends gave me the “suck it up, you’re better than that” speech. And of course, eventually I did. I woke up this morning with a much more positive and cheerful demeanor and I went my own way. I don’t even know why a “would have been” anniversary of the day I got married even made me feel so bad for myself. I guess I am just one of those people who don’t accept failure as a viable option in life, and sadly this was out of my hands. My Mom asked me yesterday if there was ever a time, even in just daydreaming would I ever consider going back with XAH, I furiously shook my head “NO WAY.” Simple as that. And then she expressed that she at times feels at (least a little) sorry for him. I can see that. He is worthy of sympathy, at times, but only from afar. Truth be known, he just can’t get it together. It was never my job to save him. I did however get an incredibly touching message from a close friend last night before going to bed, which essentially called me an earth bound angel, sent to save others when they needed me. While I consider that far-fetched and far too generous, it was incredibly sweet and kind and really made me feel a lot better. Sometimes the people we surround ourselves with can save us too, when we need it, and yesterday I felt far too broken to save myself. I know now, that I am ready, for everything I had denied myself of in the past, true fulfillment of self, my education and career goals, and a loving happy and stable relationship based on love and not bias. In essence I am ready to just “get back out there” and be open to giving myself the happiness I have always truly deserved. Things today, and this week in general aside from my pity party, have shown me that truly the sky is the limit. I am ready to launch a new website which will fulfill one of my life’s passions, and I have just learned of another amazing opportunity which has come my way. It is: “My moment to shine” and in the words of a dear friend: “Go out there, smile that beautiful smile, and BE the star that you are!” And as the curtain may be closing on this chapter of my life, my story is truly only just beginning. So, in the interest of not “dwelling” and moving forward, I am finally ready, to say goodbye, likely for the last time. This place has been a saving grace in my life, everything I needed when I needed it and the support, love and friendship I have gained since starting “Young and Divorced” has been truly immeasurable and humbling. My parting words of wisdom in what I have learned along the way; Give yourself time and space to heal, allow your passions in life to lead you as far as you want to go, don’t ever let the way others see you stifle your hope, or your spirit. If someone pushes you away, stay gone. The people that love you, will really never leave, surround yourself with the brightest, best and most lovable people you know, don’t be afraid to laugh at yourself, admit your mistakes, and move on when something is over. Know that you cannot change others. You will come across people with hate in their heart, leave them be. Don’t let guilt eat away at you, it’s a useless waste of time. Cry when you need to, and sleep when you can! Never turn down an opportunity to better yourself. Education: standard and life’s lessons are, priceless. Never stop learning. Love your parents. Enjoy time with family and friends, and revel in alone time when you are able.
You have all touched my life so much. Thank you.

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New starts

6 May

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I started writing again, though I know I haven’t been here in a while. It’s all been stored in my own archives, awaiting the emotion to fade, maybe one day I will put up what I have written here, maybe somewhere else. It’s over between me and Miel. Personally I didn’t expect to walk away that easily, to feel relatively nothing, I wasn’t sad, I was ready to face the fact that we were only a crutch to the other, and crutches are only meant to get you back on your feet…. We promised to try and be friends. That’s my life. The men who can’t harness me, can’t control me, end up still wanting that fire in their lives, no matter what little piece they get, they want that fire that I possess. This fiery quality is that which keeps me from getting too close to anyone. Getting into the shower this morning, I realized I had lost weight, I seemed kind of sullen, tired looking, and older. How will I ever be able to compete out there in the jungle, with all the young girls in short skirts and bright smiles so able and willing to please their male pursuers when I am the one who can’t seem to keep my mouth shut, then there comes the realization that the only one who can put me in my place, (so to speak) has to be a true alpha. But it’s like gasoline to a fire; instead of 2 ships passing in the night we are two boats trying to sink the other’s “battleship”. There’s danger under there, and it’s hard to decipher what kind. In my field, I encounter many alphas, most I can’t stomach to talk to for longer than a few friendly minutes before I turn away rolling my eyes. Many alphas are simply egotistical, and I guess I can’t deny that trait in myself as well. Perhaps I should just quit thinking so much, and forge ahead. What is in the past can’t be changed. All I know about Miel really is that he is better off without me, but he’s better now than he was when I met him, and aren’t you always supposed to leave behind something better than what you found? I know it was not a love story, but I am glad I had the chance to change his life in a positive way. I know I’ll wonder about him every now and then… and that’s ok. What sparked the 18th breakup between us anyway was that he wanted us to live together, in my head and my heart I knew this was impossible, and that I simply wasn’t ready to share my life with anyone in that kind of way, and if you love someone, you should be glad to be moving ahead, I’m pretty sure we spent most of our time going backward instead. I don’t want to waste time worrying about what I have or haven’t done; I have no time or energy to waste on such needless brain activity. I have also fully accepted that I simply can’t be with someone who doesn’t share my beliefs, and who can’t support my political involvement, it’s an exercise in futility, and time just keeps ticking by.
The funny thing is that, after all the trials and tribulations, feeling like a complete failure to the “romantic” world, I am endlessly, hopelessly in love… with my own life. I never knew it could be so great, that I would live to see almost all of my dreams come true, by age 31. Of course there are new dreams awaked inside of me, but they would require someone with a great deal of understanding, compassion, power, dignity and confidence. My very own Christian Grey perhaps? Only these men exist within the pages of trashy novels and cheap love stories, not my life, not the real world…

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Fasting…

7 Mar

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I know, I know, I know. I havent been here, in like… well, Forever! But I have been busy, and quite frankly, I have nothing to say about “divorce” contemplating changing the name of my blog all together, because blogging about divorce just doesn’t even make sense anymore.

So, I have been busy! All kinds of things: school, work, volunteer stuff, travel, and of course… Miel. We are doing awesome, and I’m really happy. I love spending time with him and I always have a great time when we are together. However! We have spent so much of our time eating out over the last several months, that both of us feel a little bogged down by a few extra pounds, and want to get in better shape for spring. We decided… to do a fast! Now this is not one of those “lemonade” diets or anything like that. Quite honestly we are both considered thin and our doctors would never recommend us “losing” weight. Getting in better shape? Of course! Anyone could benefit from that, but 5 pounds lost on either one of us would be plenty. So we have decided to do a juice and soup fast. Since we basically made up our own diet, and make our own rules, we get to decide what we can and can’t have for 7 days. *I also made the pledge that if I have not lost my mind by day 7, I will continue this fast an additional 7. So far, here are the rules:

*NO Solid food, (This apparently only applies to me. Miel is eating only fruit, and nuts as part of solid food and usually only as a light snack)
*Completely cut back on alcohol (He is doing much better with this that me!)
*Cut back on caffeine but not eliminate completely, for example, I am only drinking 1 Cup of coffee per day and no other caffeine drinks. Only water for beverages the rest of the day, and a bourbon at night (with water!) LOL
*Morning/Breakfast: a smoothie, or a homemade juice
*Lunch: Soup!
*Dinner: Soup!

So, here are some of the recipes I used, and the things I have consumed during this diet so far:

Yesterday: Day One:

*Fresh Juice for breakfast: Apple, Carrot, Ginger & Spinach
*Lunch: Tomato Soup (This was an organic low sodium soup I picked up from the store)
*Snack: 1/2 an organic strawberry smoothie
*Dinner: Homemade black bean soup (recipe to follow)

Today: Day two:

*Homemade smoothie for breakfast: 1/2 frozen banana, 3 strawberries, splash of Almond Milk, 1/2 cup organic rolled oats, splash of homemade apple juice and a tiny squeeze of honey. This was definitely an energy smoothie! I did some yoga and stretching shortly after and felt great!

*Lunch: Homemade Avacado Soup with a mashed sweet potato plan. I guess this would be considered solid food, but I have a 15 hour day today and I know I will need something additional to push me through

*Dinner… Soup! Not sure what kind yet!

Recipes:

So Last night with the help of the blender, I was able to make 5 different soups rather quickly and get them individually packaged and into the fridge for us to grab and go. Here is my favorite so far:
Avacado Soup:

2 Avacados
3 Cloves Garlic
1 C Water
1/4 C Olive Oil
1 Small onion chopped
Salt and Pepper
*Squeeze of Lime if you have it, or also some cilantro would be good
Dump it all in the blender and blend until smooth, heat and serve

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Back from my disappearing act!

11 Feb

Vietnamese-Coffee-With-BODYIt has been such a long time since I have written! Wow, apologies, for my disappearing act. Life has been busy, but that’s nothing new. Actually there was a period of time there that I intentionally refrained from writing, because I got a little sick of explaining my blog entries in real life to the people I personally know who read them, there was just a lot going on that I wanted to keep to myself. Honestly if I had it to do all over again, I think I would have kept the blog a secret in its entirety just to allow myself the space and ability to be unabashedly honest. I know my followers are going to be looking for updates on a few different fronts, and I will cover them all. Miel, my respite from politics and XAH. All have been major subjects lately.
Miel and I are great. I am happy spending time with him and I never feel like I have to try to be someone or something I am not. We had a great weekend together. On Saturday we met up with Camber and John and had some drinks and dinner. It was good to catch up with them, even though I know something in their relationship right now is strained. I hope in every way that they can get past it, but I don’t have the answers, and the future will be up to them. I don’t think Camber would want me to talk about details here, but I will say that I think John has started to disconnect and in turn this has made Camber reciprocate. It’s a rough cycle, and I have been down that road before, suddenly pride becomes the foremost concern, and communication breaks down. I love them both, I don’t know what the future has in store for them, but I sincerely hope they will be ok.

As for Miel and I, after our Saturday night with Camber and John we woke up deciding we were (finally) going for Vietnamese. There is a great Pho restaurant that Miel knows of, and we have talked about going there a million times before, on Sunday, we made the pilgrimage to the other side of town for my first ever Pho experience. I have to say, if you have never had authentic Vietnamese before, go find a place this week and go! It was incredible. The restaurant is in a strip mall, has absolutely nothing special from the outside to differentiate it from any other place, and when you walk in, you are standing practically in the middle of the dining room, we were also noticeably the only white people in there, which made me smile. This is the kind of place people go to get a taste of home and where we go, to get a taste of another culture entirely. The Vietnamese Iced coffee (Ca phe da) is incredible! The coffee comes hot, in a metal strainer over the coffee cup, and you let the coffee slowly brew and drip into the cup below, when it’s done you stir it up with the condensed milk that is already at the bottom and pour it over ice. I was in heaven. So much so that later that afternoon, Miel and I ventured back out, all the way across town again to hit the Asian market and get the metal strainers so we could make this amazing treat at home. Its what I had for breakfast this morning and I fear I have a new addiction. Well, two new addictions because the Pho was so amazing! I love the entire experience of eating it, the garnish the way it is eaten with two hands (one hand controls broth and the other works the chopsticks) and I love learning about new and different foods. Later in the evening, long after our Pho lunch which happened at about 11am, we went out for Thai, another great place, another new place. We had a lot of fun, and we came home to brew our coffees and relax before another busy week.

Did I mention I have a conference in DC this coming weekend? I’m really excited to be getting back to DC and super excited to hit some of the restaurants and bars, I have even been actively seeking out a good bourbon bar. Miel is coming with me, which I think is awesome, and I will be happy to have him escorting me all about the nation’s capital. Since he lived there years ago, he is far more of an expert than I, and our hotel is incredible! One of the perks in still being in some sense of the political realm is the discounts and specials we get on rooms and amenities when we have a large conference to attend. OK, so I haven’t fully “quit” but I definitely slowed down to the point that my schedule is much more manageable and I no longer feel like I’m going crazy!
XAH has been civil, polite and just a pleasure to deal with lately. We have finally reached past the point of acceptance, and realize that we can either make life difficult, or easy. We have both chosen easy and I’m thrilled about it. I actually have a little more respect for him now, than I have had in the past year. He seems to really be trying to get his life together.
Alright! Time to run! I have put aside 20 minutes before my next meeting to get some gentle yoga done in my office, then I take on the week and dominate it

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Lessons from within…

24 Jan

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I have been given a blessing that I do not yet know how to harness, but I know I have received something powerful. Through discussion with various people, and a cleansing and long cry a few nights ago, I was feeling lost, confused, alone and even scared. But everything that had transpired, all of my troubled thoughts, the sleepless nights, the anxiety, the fear, my chattering mind, all painted a picture suddenly that drove the negativity away.

I am the power source feeding all of the negativity in my own mind, in my life. I never before realized how much self power I actually possess, and what the mind and heart can really do, if you let it. I have been doing deep breathing exercises at least twice a day and yoga each morning, even if I only have time for balance poses and stretching. This, paired with the other seeminly conincidental events within the last two weeks suddenly became more of a vison that I could not only see and understand, but I could feel. I see now that I have been so busy “worrying” about everyone else, and pretending to “save the world” that I forgot the most important thing I could have been doing is to stop worrying about people, and start truly caring for them instead. I am not referring to my family and friends only, I am talking about love and respect and care for everyone I come across, and even the ones I never meet.

Fighting, had been my power source for so long, that I didnt even see it anymore. Fighting with myself, beating myself up, debating with others, putting people down, defending myself beyond necessity, all of these things were not only perpetuated by myself only, but they became a fuel source for me to remain in motion. I was like Jack and The Beanstalk, seeking a quick fix, taking resources from others, instead of learning how to “farm” learning to provide my own powersource, my own happiness, and my own calm.

I don’t know what any of this would mean for the future, but once I felt this change, it could not be reversed. And last night, a documentary caught my attention which I soon found myself entrenched in, it was about a young woman, with a busy career, in a bustling city, who cared more about meetings, agendas and “climbing the ladder” than about seeking happiness within herself, and in her life. And then… tragically and sadly she lost her mother to cancer. She, as I would… felt lost, alone and angry. She was left struggling to live in a world she had never before existed in, one without her Mother. And she went to find peace, healing and understanding in India, through Yoga. I sat enthralled with what I was watching, hearing. I had been steadily moving along as if nothing would ever change, as if I always had more time, and always assumed that my loved ones did as well.

I feel like I have been given a chance to try again to achieve true balance in my life, by ceasing to draw so much from the outside world, by beginning to trust myself, and listening to myself!

“Yoga is not about self-improvement, it’s about self-acceptance”. ~Gurmukh Kaur Khalsa

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Aside

My Unbalaced mess of a life…

22 Jan

Continue reading →

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Undertstanding the Impossible…? Relationships!

16 Jan

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As usual, I have been delving into the subject of relationships and how to better understand communication between men and women. To understand one relationship, typically your own, is one thing, but painting a broader brush on relationships as a whole, gets really tricky, messy and complicated. The same adjectives could be used to describe your own relationship, who knows.

Of course, all I have to go off of, is the information that I research, and what I see and experience in my own relationships and the ones closest to me. For example, I have a friend who is very happy in her relationship with her boyfriend. They have been dating for almost 4 years; they live together and are committed to one another. So what is different about them? Neither one of them has ever uttered the words “I love you” nor do they don’t seem to intend to at any point soon. So who is to say this is strange if it works for them? Really no one can judge, but for me personally, I could not be in a relationship for that period of time without hearing those words. I am just that way. I have another friend who has been with her boyfriend for two and a half years but they insist on always keeping their own place and not staying together on many “overnight’s” together. To that I say, what’s the point of being committed then? Isn’t the very core of commitment based on dealing with the TOUGH issues that come along on a daily basis? Who kills the spiders? Who unclogs the drain? Who but your partner has to deal with your morning breath and messy hair in the morning?

Another friend of mine once defined “love” as: “The tough things you go through after being together a period of time, dealing with their shit day in and day out, figuratively and literally, the morning breath, the being sick, the time with family, the time spent away from your own to be with that person, having all of that and still being happy, still wanting that person over anyone else in the world, is what love is” I think he had a good point here.
I read an article today that sparked my interest because of Miel. In the past he had these “roadblocks” reasons why it wouldn’t or couldn’t work between us, and maybe he still has those reservations, I’m not entirely sure. But the article said this:

“Life is short, so you shouldn’t waste it on someone who doesn’t understand you, refuses to try and get you, won’t put in the time for you, who is rude to you, your friends or to other people and doesn’t even call you. Don’t worry about if they read, if they don’t read, if they watch movies or if they’re into the wrong kind of music; worry about whether they care what you like and you do. Details are important, but if the world ends this year, it’ll be more important to say you wasted the time you have left with someone who cares.”

The irony comes into play when thinking back on our last serious conversation, when I said “life is too short to be so unsure of everything, just jump in, you have to just take chances”

Just yesterday, when I got to Miel’s I was on the verge, and just still coping with having a terrible day, and there he was with open arms and a smile. It was all I needed. And I never had to ask for it. So it seems to be that he DOES understand me. He anticipates my mood and seems to respond well. But I am still on that “life is short” line, and can’t seem to move past it. If he has reasons we wouldn’t work out in the future, should I stay just for the “here and now” or should we back off, should we see other people, should we try to spend time apart? I have NO idea. Quite honestly, my relationships to this point in my life have always been clearly defined. Have we ever said we are exclusive? No. But I made it clear that I wasn’t seeing anyone, and he said the same. But that honesty isn’t the same as agreeing to be committed. This is where so many women go wrong. They think they understand what is being said as a prediction for the future, or worse a promise of some level of commitment. It’s not.

I decided that I am worth having everything that I didn’t get in the first go around, everything that I have ever wanted, could be and can be mine, the only person who could mess that up? Well of course, that would be yours truly.
So here goes, day one of my mystical journey to ultimate happiness. I’m going to hold my breath, go for gold, and see what happens. I promise for more updates later.

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It’s time…

15 Jan

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I never promised you a rose garden…

I had a boss, well a mentor who used to say this to me often, “I never promised you a rose garden, so you can’t blame me” he would say that when we had something difficult to work on, and for some small reason, it always made me feel a little better. He has never made any promises alluding to some type of cake walk.
Funny how life doesn’t make any promises either. I feel so down today, and I can’t explain it. I feel really defeated in a way, I know a lot of this is me being really tired and sort of worn out; this is the time of year when so many of us just burn out from all the stress of the previous months. I feel in so many ways that I am still holding onto things that have long ago left my life, it’s finally time to face facts, and move on. I just don’t want to. It means finally getting the rest of my things from my old house, it means pushing myself to meet new people and get out of my comfort zone, it means letting go of certain people who haven’t been so great to me, it means growing up, and growing tall. It means facing facts when I don’t want to see the truth; it means the end of excuse making, sugar coating, and blowing things off.
My heart feels heavy and there is a lump in my throat, when I finally decided to move on with my life, I sort of just walked away from it, hoping the mess would disappear somehow, but it hasn’t, and I have to return to clean it all up. Coming to terms, with what I have left…

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Overcoming Old Fears..

11 Jan

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I had to go to the mall this afternoon, which is usually a harrowing experience for me, between fighting traffic inside and outside of the mall, dodging strollers, waiting in lines, and of course, the biggest fear of mine: the escalators. However it seems that today is historic in that I bounded up and down the escalators, alone without incident. I didn’t even realize it until I was walking out to my car; safely back on the ground floor. Thank goodness that seems to be over with. One very small step for woman, one large leap for my human psyche.
The week has been busy with lots of events, school work and everything else in between. However it has recently come to my attention that my voluntary efforts to help the various causes I believe in are not viewed always as positively as I see them, and I never realized this could potentially hinder my personal relationships. As of last week I was ready to walk away from everything I had been doing for these causes because of just a lot of social politics that were beginning to take a toll on my energy, time and stress level. But this week changed that, and I still believe that I am doing something positive for the people who believe.
Miel and I hit a speed bump just last week, and I am not sure what that means for the future. I see it as an opportunity. But only time can decipher what is to happen and what is to be. I really enjoy spending time with him, and I feel comfortable and happy around him. I am not sure why we have to try to look so far into the future for potential issues that may not even really exist, but perhaps that is a way of gauging the next steps of how we spend our time now, and in the time to come. All I know is that men, who make the effort to show they want you around, make sure you know it. We had argued, somewhat but a lot of it was reactionary to a misunderstood sentiment from the other, not to mention that alcohol was involved, so that certainly was a catalyst. What I feel kept me interested was his humble and sincere apology the next day. And it was a face to face, heartfelt apology that I really respected. I am not in any way conveying the opinion that I was without fault in the argument, but he apologized specifically for what he felt was regrettable. That to me shows a lot of integrity, and care. In my own life, I realize I have made many apologies, no one is perfect but I have always believed that if you mean what you say and show that you feel badly for something that was said or done, I believe that is really taking the high road.
The thing is that he and I are coming from two very different places emotionally. I am going through a divorce, while he has never been married and has not been in a real relationship in more than a couple of years. We don’t really know what we are doing, but the care both of us show to one another and the desire to continue to spend time together makes it seem more like we are recognizing and dealing with our differences and working them out, rather than just jumping ship. It has taken me a little while to work through this emotionally because I was honestly pretty upset after our disagreement, and now perhaps I have a bit of a guard up, but its self-preservation, and something I can’t really help.

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New Year and hopefully New Habits…

8 Jan

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Do you guys remember “Fat Pants” in August? No? What?? Well, Of course you don’t, that was like a thousand blogs ago, so here is a refresher http://younganddivorced.com/2012/08/07/fat-pants/ because I am really feeling like fat pants all over again. So, I have taken action (somewhat) by juicing! Surprisingly I actually really enjoy it, and Miel does the juicing, so it tastes even better when I don’t have to! The Holidays are really rough on people all around, myself included, and while I didn’t indulge nearly as much as most years passed, I still think it is time for some healthier options. Truth be told, I ate Taco Bell yesterday (hey, no one is perfect) but today was game on healthy! Greek yogurt and a banana for breakfast, a big delicious homemade juice and a small green salad at lunch with some sliced avocado, and I will likely be eating just chicken and veggies for dinner. Let me tell you though, if you DO decide to juice, even as a supplement and not as a fast, be prepared for some strange things to happen. For example, I have had to pee about a hundred times today. My stomach is making a really weird noise, and it’s not out of hunger, and the juice may even give you a rush of energy, at least it did for me, so beware how late it is when you have your last juice of the day. There are some other bathroom *things that may change, so be prepared for that too. Not going into any detail here…

Juicing is actually a lot easier than I thought. And I don’t really mean the actually work of making it (because I clearly haven’t been doing it myself) but to drink it, is actually really delicious! I have found that for me, I need the fruits and vegetables to be pretty cold so that the juice is chilled as well. I don’t really like it as much when it isn’t nice and cold. I’m looking at all kinds of things in the grocery store now and wondering how to juice them all, so it’s sort of a new little adventure. I think my favorites so far are celery, apple, carrot, ginger, and beets, the beets give it this beautiful rich red color and the ginger really helps to pep it up so it doesn’t taste so bland, or unsweet. I have even given up cream in my coffee! Still need a little sugar though, so I have substituted honey for regular sugar.

I realize this sounds like a “diet” plan, or a resolution that will end up with a juicer sitting in the pantry getting dusty while I’m shoveling pizza in my mouth, sitting in the couch in front of the tv within a month, but I really don’t have any specific “resolutions” in mind, just trying all around to be more cognizant of my health, my finances, and my emotional well-being. I am pretty pleased so far, and I certainly need to make sure I keep my energy up, school has started up once again and I have loaded myself with more classes than usual to ensure my timely graduation this spring. I have two upcoming trips in the next month and a few other events that I need to be looking good and feeling good for to keep me going. So readers, I raise a glass of juice to you, to health, wealth, and wellbeing in the New year! Salut!

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