I drank a bottle of wine and cried myself to sleep last night. There. I said it. Now I feel at least slightly better about the amount of self-pity I bestowed myself. Most of my friends gave me the “suck it up, you’re better than that” speech. And of course, eventually I did. I woke up this morning with a much more positive and cheerful demeanor and I went my own way. I don’t even know why a “would have been” anniversary of the day I got married even made me feel so bad for myself. I guess I am just one of those people who don’t accept failure as a viable option in life, and sadly this was out of my hands. My Mom asked me yesterday if there was ever a time, even in just daydreaming would I ever consider going back with XAH, I furiously shook my head “NO WAY.” Simple as that. And then she expressed that she at times feels at (least a little) sorry for him. I can see that. He is worthy of sympathy, at times, but only from afar. Truth be known, he just can’t get it together. It was never my job to save him. I did however get an incredibly touching message from a close friend last night before going to bed, which essentially called me an earth bound angel, sent to save others when they needed me. While I consider that far-fetched and far too generous, it was incredibly sweet and kind and really made me feel a lot better. Sometimes the people we surround ourselves with can save us too, when we need it, and yesterday I felt far too broken to save myself. I know now, that I am ready, for everything I had denied myself of in the past, true fulfillment of self, my education and career goals, and a loving happy and stable relationship based on love and not bias. In essence I am ready to just “get back out there” and be open to giving myself the happiness I have always truly deserved. Things today, and this week in general aside from my pity party, have shown me that truly the sky is the limit. I am ready to launch a new website which will fulfill one of my life’s passions, and I have just learned of another amazing opportunity which has come my way. It is: “My moment to shine” and in the words of a dear friend: “Go out there, smile that beautiful smile, and BE the star that you are!” And as the curtain may be closing on this chapter of my life, my story is truly only just beginning. So, in the interest of not “dwelling” and moving forward, I am finally ready, to say goodbye, likely for the last time. This place has been a saving grace in my life, everything I needed when I needed it and the support, love and friendship I have gained since starting “Young and Divorced” has been truly immeasurable and humbling. My parting words of wisdom in what I have learned along the way; Give yourself time and space to heal, allow your passions in life to lead you as far as you want to go, don’t ever let the way others see you stifle your hope, or your spirit. If someone pushes you away, stay gone. The people that love you, will really never leave, surround yourself with the brightest, best and most lovable people you know, don’t be afraid to laugh at yourself, admit your mistakes, and move on when something is over. Know that you cannot change others. You will come across people with hate in their heart, leave them be. Don’t let guilt eat away at you, it’s a useless waste of time. Cry when you need to, and sleep when you can! Never turn down an opportunity to better yourself. Education: standard and life’s lessons are, priceless. Never stop learning. Love your parents. Enjoy time with family and friends, and revel in alone time when you are able.
You have all touched my life so much. Thank you.
I started writing again, though I know I haven’t been here in a while. It’s all been stored in my own archives, awaiting the emotion to fade, maybe one day I will put up what I have written here, maybe somewhere else. It’s over between me and Miel. Personally I didn’t expect to walk away that easily, to feel relatively nothing, I wasn’t sad, I was ready to face the fact that we were only a crutch to the other, and crutches are only meant to get you back on your feet…. We promised to try and be friends. That’s my life. The men who can’t harness me, can’t control me, end up still wanting that fire in their lives, no matter what little piece they get, they want that fire that I possess. This fiery quality is that which keeps me from getting too close to anyone. Getting into the shower this morning, I realized I had lost weight, I seemed kind of sullen, tired looking, and older. How will I ever be able to compete out there in the jungle, with all the young girls in short skirts and bright smiles so able and willing to please their male pursuers when I am the one who can’t seem to keep my mouth shut, then there comes the realization that the only one who can put me in my place, (so to speak) has to be a true alpha. But it’s like gasoline to a fire; instead of 2 ships passing in the night we are two boats trying to sink the other’s “battleship”. There’s danger under there, and it’s hard to decipher what kind. In my field, I encounter many alphas, most I can’t stomach to talk to for longer than a few friendly minutes before I turn away rolling my eyes. Many alphas are simply egotistical, and I guess I can’t deny that trait in myself as well. Perhaps I should just quit thinking so much, and forge ahead. What is in the past can’t be changed. All I know about Miel really is that he is better off without me, but he’s better now than he was when I met him, and aren’t you always supposed to leave behind something better than what you found? I know it was not a love story, but I am glad I had the chance to change his life in a positive way. I know I’ll wonder about him every now and then… and that’s ok. What sparked the 18th breakup between us anyway was that he wanted us to live together, in my head and my heart I knew this was impossible, and that I simply wasn’t ready to share my life with anyone in that kind of way, and if you love someone, you should be glad to be moving ahead, I’m pretty sure we spent most of our time going backward instead. I don’t want to waste time worrying about what I have or haven’t done; I have no time or energy to waste on such needless brain activity. I have also fully accepted that I simply can’t be with someone who doesn’t share my beliefs, and who can’t support my political involvement, it’s an exercise in futility, and time just keeps ticking by.
The funny thing is that, after all the trials and tribulations, feeling like a complete failure to the “romantic” world, I am endlessly, hopelessly in love… with my own life. I never knew it could be so great, that I would live to see almost all of my dreams come true, by age 31. Of course there are new dreams awaked inside of me, but they would require someone with a great deal of understanding, compassion, power, dignity and confidence. My very own Christian Grey perhaps? Only these men exist within the pages of trashy novels and cheap love stories, not my life, not the real world…
I know, I know, I know. I havent been here, in like… well, Forever! But I have been busy, and quite frankly, I have nothing to say about “divorce” contemplating changing the name of my blog all together, because blogging about divorce just doesn’t even make sense anymore.
So, I have been busy! All kinds of things: school, work, volunteer stuff, travel, and of course… Miel. We are doing awesome, and I’m really happy. I love spending time with him and I always have a great time when we are together. However! We have spent so much of our time eating out over the last several months, that both of us feel a little bogged down by a few extra pounds, and want to get in better shape for spring. We decided… to do a fast! Now this is not one of those “lemonade” diets or anything like that. Quite honestly we are both considered thin and our doctors would never recommend us “losing” weight. Getting in better shape? Of course! Anyone could benefit from that, but 5 pounds lost on either one of us would be plenty. So we have decided to do a juice and soup fast. Since we basically made up our own diet, and make our own rules, we get to decide what we can and can’t have for 7 days. *I also made the pledge that if I have not lost my mind by day 7, I will continue this fast an additional 7. So far, here are the rules:
*NO Solid food, (This apparently only applies to me. Miel is eating only fruit, and nuts as part of solid food and usually only as a light snack)
*Completely cut back on alcohol (He is doing much better with this that me!)
*Cut back on caffeine but not eliminate completely, for example, I am only drinking 1 Cup of coffee per day and no other caffeine drinks. Only water for beverages the rest of the day, and a bourbon at night (with water!) LOL
*Morning/Breakfast: a smoothie, or a homemade juice
So, here are some of the recipes I used, and the things I have consumed during this diet so far:
Yesterday: Day One:
*Fresh Juice for breakfast: Apple, Carrot, Ginger & Spinach
*Lunch: Tomato Soup (This was an organic low sodium soup I picked up from the store)
*Snack: 1/2 an organic strawberry smoothie
*Dinner: Homemade black bean soup (recipe to follow)
Today: Day two:
*Homemade smoothie for breakfast: 1/2 frozen banana, 3 strawberries, splash of Almond Milk, 1/2 cup organic rolled oats, splash of homemade apple juice and a tiny squeeze of honey. This was definitely an energy smoothie! I did some yoga and stretching shortly after and felt great!
*Lunch: Homemade Avacado Soup with a mashed sweet potato plan. I guess this would be considered solid food, but I have a 15 hour day today and I know I will need something additional to push me through
*Dinner… Soup! Not sure what kind yet!
So Last night with the help of the blender, I was able to make 5 different soups rather quickly and get them individually packaged and into the fridge for us to grab and go. Here is my favorite so far:
3 Cloves Garlic
1 C Water
1/4 C Olive Oil
1 Small onion chopped
Salt and Pepper
*Squeeze of Lime if you have it, or also some cilantro would be good
Dump it all in the blender and blend until smooth, heat and serve
It has been such a long time since I have written! Wow, apologies, for my disappearing act. Life has been busy, but that’s nothing new. Actually there was a period of time there that I intentionally refrained from writing, because I got a little sick of explaining my blog entries in real life to the people I personally know who read them, there was just a lot going on that I wanted to keep to myself. Honestly if I had it to do all over again, I think I would have kept the blog a secret in its entirety just to allow myself the space and ability to be unabashedly honest. I know my followers are going to be looking for updates on a few different fronts, and I will cover them all. Miel, my respite from politics and XAH. All have been major subjects lately.
Miel and I are great. I am happy spending time with him and I never feel like I have to try to be someone or something I am not. We had a great weekend together. On Saturday we met up with Camber and John and had some drinks and dinner. It was good to catch up with them, even though I know something in their relationship right now is strained. I hope in every way that they can get past it, but I don’t have the answers, and the future will be up to them. I don’t think Camber would want me to talk about details here, but I will say that I think John has started to disconnect and in turn this has made Camber reciprocate. It’s a rough cycle, and I have been down that road before, suddenly pride becomes the foremost concern, and communication breaks down. I love them both, I don’t know what the future has in store for them, but I sincerely hope they will be ok.
As for Miel and I, after our Saturday night with Camber and John we woke up deciding we were (finally) going for Vietnamese. There is a great Pho restaurant that Miel knows of, and we have talked about going there a million times before, on Sunday, we made the pilgrimage to the other side of town for my first ever Pho experience. I have to say, if you have never had authentic Vietnamese before, go find a place this week and go! It was incredible. The restaurant is in a strip mall, has absolutely nothing special from the outside to differentiate it from any other place, and when you walk in, you are standing practically in the middle of the dining room, we were also noticeably the only white people in there, which made me smile. This is the kind of place people go to get a taste of home and where we go, to get a taste of another culture entirely. The Vietnamese Iced coffee (Ca phe da) is incredible! The coffee comes hot, in a metal strainer over the coffee cup, and you let the coffee slowly brew and drip into the cup below, when it’s done you stir it up with the condensed milk that is already at the bottom and pour it over ice. I was in heaven. So much so that later that afternoon, Miel and I ventured back out, all the way across town again to hit the Asian market and get the metal strainers so we could make this amazing treat at home. Its what I had for breakfast this morning and I fear I have a new addiction. Well, two new addictions because the Pho was so amazing! I love the entire experience of eating it, the garnish the way it is eaten with two hands (one hand controls broth and the other works the chopsticks) and I love learning about new and different foods. Later in the evening, long after our Pho lunch which happened at about 11am, we went out for Thai, another great place, another new place. We had a lot of fun, and we came home to brew our coffees and relax before another busy week.
Did I mention I have a conference in DC this coming weekend? I’m really excited to be getting back to DC and super excited to hit some of the restaurants and bars, I have even been actively seeking out a good bourbon bar. Miel is coming with me, which I think is awesome, and I will be happy to have him escorting me all about the nation’s capital. Since he lived there years ago, he is far more of an expert than I, and our hotel is incredible! One of the perks in still being in some sense of the political realm is the discounts and specials we get on rooms and amenities when we have a large conference to attend. OK, so I haven’t fully “quit” but I definitely slowed down to the point that my schedule is much more manageable and I no longer feel like I’m going crazy!
XAH has been civil, polite and just a pleasure to deal with lately. We have finally reached past the point of acceptance, and realize that we can either make life difficult, or easy. We have both chosen easy and I’m thrilled about it. I actually have a little more respect for him now, than I have had in the past year. He seems to really be trying to get his life together.
Alright! Time to run! I have put aside 20 minutes before my next meeting to get some gentle yoga done in my office, then I take on the week and dominate it
I have been given a blessing that I do not yet know how to harness, but I know I have received something powerful. Through discussion with various people, and a cleansing and long cry a few nights ago, I was feeling lost, confused, alone and even scared. But everything that had transpired, all of my troubled thoughts, the sleepless nights, the anxiety, the fear, my chattering mind, all painted a picture suddenly that drove the negativity away.
I am the power source feeding all of the negativity in my own mind, in my life. I never before realized how much self power I actually possess, and what the mind and heart can really do, if you let it. I have been doing deep breathing exercises at least twice a day and yoga each morning, even if I only have time for balance poses and stretching. This, paired with the other seeminly conincidental events within the last two weeks suddenly became more of a vison that I could not only see and understand, but I could feel. I see now that I have been so busy “worrying” about everyone else, and pretending to “save the world” that I forgot the most important thing I could have been doing is to stop worrying about people, and start truly caring for them instead. I am not referring to my family and friends only, I am talking about love and respect and care for everyone I come across, and even the ones I never meet.
Fighting, had been my power source for so long, that I didnt even see it anymore. Fighting with myself, beating myself up, debating with others, putting people down, defending myself beyond necessity, all of these things were not only perpetuated by myself only, but they became a fuel source for me to remain in motion. I was like Jack and The Beanstalk, seeking a quick fix, taking resources from others, instead of learning how to “farm” learning to provide my own powersource, my own happiness, and my own calm.
I don’t know what any of this would mean for the future, but once I felt this change, it could not be reversed. And last night, a documentary caught my attention which I soon found myself entrenched in, it was about a young woman, with a busy career, in a bustling city, who cared more about meetings, agendas and “climbing the ladder” than about seeking happiness within herself, and in her life. And then… tragically and sadly she lost her mother to cancer. She, as I would… felt lost, alone and angry. She was left struggling to live in a world she had never before existed in, one without her Mother. And she went to find peace, healing and understanding in India, through Yoga. I sat enthralled with what I was watching, hearing. I had been steadily moving along as if nothing would ever change, as if I always had more time, and always assumed that my loved ones did as well.
I feel like I have been given a chance to try again to achieve true balance in my life, by ceasing to draw so much from the outside world, by beginning to trust myself, and listening to myself!
“Yoga is not about self-improvement, it’s about self-acceptance”. ~Gurmukh Kaur Khalsa
I had a boss, well a mentor who used to say this to me often, “I never promised you a rose garden, so you can’t blame me” he would say that when we had something difficult to work on, and for some small reason, it always made me feel a little better. He has never made any promises alluding to some type of cake walk.
Funny how life doesn’t make any promises either. I feel so down today, and I can’t explain it. I feel really defeated in a way, I know a lot of this is me being really tired and sort of worn out; this is the time of year when so many of us just burn out from all the stress of the previous months. I feel in so many ways that I am still holding onto things that have long ago left my life, it’s finally time to face facts, and move on. I just don’t want to. It means finally getting the rest of my things from my old house, it means pushing myself to meet new people and get out of my comfort zone, it means letting go of certain people who haven’t been so great to me, it means growing up, and growing tall. It means facing facts when I don’t want to see the truth; it means the end of excuse making, sugar coating, and blowing things off.
My heart feels heavy and there is a lump in my throat, when I finally decided to move on with my life, I sort of just walked away from it, hoping the mess would disappear somehow, but it hasn’t, and I have to return to clean it all up. Coming to terms, with what I have left…