I have read a TON of fantastic blogs this week. However, in the “Divorce” tag, there are also those bloggers who are “anti-divorce” ok. I get it. You don’t believe in divorce, so can’t it be enough for JUST you to make that pact with your spouse? Why are you jamming up my reader with guilt inducing posts about the sins of divorce? Look I am not trying to be down of everyone’s right to opinion and the right to exercise those opinions, but I would rather have an “Anti-Divorce” tag so I wouldn’t have to stumble upon these. I wish these people could have seen me on my wedding day, so full of love and excitement, so ready to marry the man waiting at the altar for me. But he wasn’t the guy I thought I knew. Something seriously changed. His personality changed. His feelings seemed to have changed. He was addicted to pornography for God’s sake. He was dependent upon me in so many ways it started to wear me down, and take a toll on me, both mentally and physically. The people who claim they don’t believe in divorce are surely people who have never married a complete douchebag. PS Nick, if you read this, you should profile XAH as “Douschebag of the YEAR” sorry for the profanity here but I am at a loss for a better term, this one just describes in perfectly. So, based on the thoughts and opinions of the anti-divorce crowd, what should I have done that I didn’t do? Remember I had been lied to, on nearly a daily basis, stolen from, walked all over, and the list goes on. In a marriage with NO children, what was left for me to hold on to? What was there really to fight for? I married a fraud. He conned me. He was very good at it too, until I had that sneaking suspicion something wasn’t right. I uncovered it all. We went to church. We tried various techniques and measures to save whatever it was we had. A sham marriage that I believed was real, how could I stay married to someone who made a living on lies? I really respect the people that can come from a dark scary place in their marriage and manage to rebuild it over time, but mine was still new, do I not deserve to meet someone who will be true to me? Honest with me? Who won’t degrade me and put me down? How do I not deserve that? How does anyone not deserve that? I want to believe in marriage again. I want to believe that perhaps one day I will meet someone who I want to be married to for all of time; I believe divorce exists because it has to. We have to have the option to jump ship if things go really really badly. I am happy for the people who have a happy marriage, and really believe that divorce would never be possible for them, but please let me have this. And trust I know what I am doing, it hasn’t been an easy road, but it’s been the only one for me.
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Divorce is’t like Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny. It happens, it is necessary, and for some of us, our survival depends on it. People who “don’t believe in divorce” just do not live in the real world. I know Jesus hates divorce, but I don’t think he wants us to spend our lives suffering in a horrible marriage that sucks the life out of us. Should we spend our lives trying to fix something that is beyond fixing? Do we need to stay silent, let the world think we have a great marriage, all the while dying slowly from the inside out? Sometimes the only way to gain ourselves back is to leave a bad marriage behind. I agree with you, those types of posts need to be tagged a different way. Thanks for bringing this up. You continue to do great things with this blog.
You should have done exactly what you did – retained your self respect and worth and divorced that a**hole.
No one, no blogger, no church, no person EVER gets to say what anyone else should do with their lives.
I’m happy for those that are married happily, or who can mask their misery – either way – more power to them – but there is no way that they get to say that you, me or anyone else has to be afraid to leave an abusive marriage.
There’s my two cents.
I will admit, I was one of ‘them’. I believed that there were very few (abuse) reasons for people to get a divorce and then it happened to me…unexpected and unwanted but I founfd myself in a marriage that could not be fixed & it was both our faults. I learned that it takes two to make a marriage work, but only one to destroy it. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done because it blew apart one of my core values…I recommend reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s book “Committed” (she is more famously known for “Eat, Pray, Love”), she helped me understand marriage in an entirely different way. I think it should be required reading before marriage. To me it is clear you did not make your decision without serious soul searching. It seems you made the hard, right decision.
I promptly went to Amazon and got the book, thanks for the recommend!
let me know what you think. It may seem odd that a guy like me would recommend such a book, but I thought it was very well written and thought provoking as far as how marriage is ‘packaged’ these days.
Like ditchthemarriage, I just went and bought it too! Thanks, Dan!
I think I’m still kind of one of those people who doesn’t believe in divorce – and yet, considering the fact that I’m divorced, it is obviously real, and sometimes necessary. It is still hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I am divorced because so much of who I am doesn’t want to believe in it. But at the same time I don’t question my decision, or yours, or anyone else’s. I always said I didn’t believe in it only for myself anyway, because I knew that others lived in situations I was in no position to judge. But whatever I thought I believed turned out to not be real, and the reality of divorce was all that was left. I’m glad to have found your journey as inspiration as I try to figure out my own…
I completely understand, I never thought this would happen to me either
I like your blog too, it’s like the grown-up version of my blog! To be honest, when I first glanced over it I was thinking ‘oh, this is all about divorce so there’s no point in me following it’, but now that I have read some of it, some of the points and arguments that you put across really interest me. You’re clearly more of a deep philosophical thinker than the average blogger. So, yeah, you’ve just been followed
Thanks!
I recently listened to a podcast with Duncan Trussell and Chris Ryan, author of Sex at Dawn. The premise of the book states that humans seek out novelty when it comes to relationships. Take a listen (starts around 18 minutes in) and I promise it will change the way you look at marriage.
I believe that there is absolutely nothing wrong with the sun setting on a relationship. A break-up doesn’t mean that you wasted your time. Furthermore, it doesn’t mean that the entire time with that person was bad. It just means that sometimes, it’s time to move on.
Those people who condemn divorce remind me of the same types who condemn homosexualtiy–until their child comes out as gay. They’re the ones who condemn abortion until their 12 yr old developmentally developed child is raped. Remember that part where Jesus said “let he who is without sin throw the first stone”? I don’t read those close-minded blogs. Who cares what anyone thinks about my decisions and choices? It’s my life. Go towards the support, girl!
I’m so glad you’ve taken steps towards your own happiness and put yourself first. All these anti-divorce people…are they insane?! Would they prefer Hunan beings to suffer in silence, accept being lied, cheated on and abused for the sake of…….God knows what. A title? When something makes you feel so unhappy and miserable, the best thing to do is try to resolve it and if it can’t or won’t be fixed, to walk away and find happiness; a man who treats you the way that you deserve. Good for you!
Check out my blog for my new book Mr Wrong, “a humorous and insightful exploration into why some women continually attract Mr Wrong and negative relationships and how to set out on a positive path to Mr Right.” Here you can find some excerpts, opinions and views from both men and women and other women’s stories. I’d love to here your views/stories.
All I can say is, if you haven’t been there to experience it, then maybe you shouldn’t be speaking on the subject. If all that someone has to contribute is their own moral or ethical condescension, well, I can do without that… Besides, what about the people who didn’t want to be divorced, the people who tried to work it out, but were forced into that situation? Every situation has to be taken on its own specific and unique merits, and some of these anti-divorce ramblings are just wild generalizations.
Enjoyed your post! Looking forward to visiting on a regular basis!
Followed you here from Beautiful mess.
People say that?! hahaa
If the world was free liars, cheaters, abusers, perverts and all kinds of selfishness then maybe we could say that.
Sorry they were giving you a hard time. lame. We could put them in the pressure cooker and see what happens. Just kidding…i would never want to wish that hell on anyone.
First of all I would like to appologize to anyone who has been made to feel subpar because of statements by Christians who have condemned anyone for divorce. As a Christian it breaks my heart to see that type of hurt being done in the name of the gospel. Let me be clear Jesus loves you whether you’re divorced or not. He also loves your husband in spite of his addiction and it’s his desire that you both experience His grace and mercy. The apostle Paul tells that NOTHING can separate us from the love of God. So I’ll say it again…God loves you.
Speaking as a divorced Christian who was on the other side (meaning I was the “douchebag” as you say) I want to appologize for your husbands actions. No one deserves to feel like they don’t matter and until he comes to grip with his sin he will continue to change into a miserable mess. Let me also say the man you married is still there. The problem is his sinful nature has taken over and is running the show. I am a living example that there is hope. God is able to change your husband. However, nothing you do or say will fix him. That’s between him and God.
God does hate divorce and the reason why is that our marriage represents the marriage between God and the church. We also become one flesh spiritually when married so divorce is literally a spiritual murder. God would prefer we seek reconciliation…this is not to say he wants us to be miserable but he wants us to rebuild the relationship that he ordained. The problem is that both parties have to turn to God in order for healing to occur. If one doesn’t then reconciliation is impossible that’s why he allowed divorce in the book of deuteronomy. He even said at one that he was divorcing Israel but the after He divorced them he cintinued to seek reconciliation by sending his son to die for them and us. So to the previous poster who asked if God expected us to fight for a hopeless marriage I would say yes if we are christians because that’s what Jesus did for us.
I’m sorry for your pain and want you to know that God doesn’t expect us to be perfect but instead expects us to let him help us through our darkest times.
I am always supporting freedom from pain. Your divorce was not fair, painful, unbalanced
and all the things we should never have to go through! The vows were meant for people who cherish each other. Was he cherishing you? NO!
Definitely not! He thought I was selfish for getting an education…
Almost anyone who says those words, “I’m never…” will either pay from its own backfiring or kharma owed them. Life is not black and white. And definitely I like the colorful world of inbetween!
I hope things are going a bit more smoothly and more healing going on. It takes so much time but you are worthy of a better partner!
The bible don’t really say divorce is a sin. It says that one should not be unevenly yoked. We shouldn’t be with someone who is going to abuse us, put us down put us in harms way not do their part and help take care of the family or spouse. If one partner is doing it all and the other has checked out and not doing what they should then god does not expect us to stay and be unhappy for the rest of our life. We shouldn’t just up and leave we should talk to the other and try to work things out but if the other person isn’t willing to change or work on things then we have no other option. We either stay and be unhappy or we leave and move on. I gave my husband 2 years to change things begged him and everything else they just got worse. It was to the point it was going to become physical if I stayed any longer so i finally told him this was it he had to go.
On the other hand I don’t think we are meant to get married and divorced over and over again. Like some people who have been married 3 or 4 times. To me they are just getting married because that is what your supposed to do but then as soon as something happens they don’t like or what ever they run and get a divorce. That isn’t right to me. I can see getting a divorce once but after that I think you should really take time get to know someone be together for a while and really know this is the one you want to be with. Wait a year or two. I have always said I will never get married again. But I think if I was with someone for a few years and things were going good then maybe I would. I was starting to change my mind a little with RC but I still wouldn’t have done it for at least another year and a half or so.
I just stumbled across this post and want to say thank you. I am 32 and divorced for one year. I, too, am one of those people who did not believe in divorce for myself. I believe that marriage is a life-long partnership that takes commitment, communication and hard work. The problem is that one person in a marriage can’t be responsible for all of those things when the other has decided to stop trying. I was heartbroken the day my husband confessed he was cheating on me with a woman he worked with. But I loved him very much and believed that good people can make horrible mistakes (which I still believe to this day). So we decided to work on our marriage and come back even stronger. Until I discovered text messages two months later on NYE saying that he wished he was with her rather than me. Feeling that marriage isn’t always easy and that we had promised to stay together for better or worse, I took him back a few weeks later when he begged that I give our marriage a fighting chance. Then it happened again. And again. Finally, a good friend explained to me that what he was doing was emotionally and mentally abusive. And I had to stop and realize that trying to raise the family that I’ve always wanted with this man would be one of the most selfish decisions of my life. Because he would have done this again in the future and destroyed not only me, but innocent children as well. So for all those that say, “I’ll never…” – I was one of you. And all that I can hope for you is that you never face the harsh reality of life contradicting those words in the way I did. To the author of this blog…thank you.