I am writing to you today about something I never felt I would be ready to talk about, or share for that matter. However, I have had a change of heart over the last week, you see; I have discovered many blogs of others with similar situations, some have been funny and ironic, others have been heart wrenching and deeply sad. With that being said, I have really enjoyed (not that I have enjoyed your sadness) but I have enjoyed sharing in your lives, even if only via blog. One thing about a divorce is that knowing you have a support community out there (anywhere, even in cyberspace) is really helpful and therapeutic. I don’t feel that I need any type of counseling, but this is really the outlet I needed to express my experiences, and I DO feel I owe that to you. You see, the reason I am so “Ok” with my divorce is because I was no longer in love with my ex, and that came after many chances I had given him over the years. Eventually the trust wore out and the bottom dropped out, and that came months before I actually heard myself saying the words “I want a divorce”
I could write a book on why my marriage didn’t work out, honestly. My ex very much hustled me before our wedding, hiding all kinds of things and telling lies I believed. *He had even told me he graduated from a school he had never even been to, turns out he has never even taken a college class. Anyway, back to the subject at hand, I was going to talk about something I never thought that I would, but here goes: a HUGE problem in my marriage (and I later found out it started while we were dating) was pornography. I guess you would call it an “addiction” but I saw it as a sickness, a complete violation of of marriage vows and a major issue of trust. I found these sites on the computer one day when I became suspicious of why I was being consistently “turned down” by him. I won’t go into detail here as I feel I have shared a lot as it is, but I will put it this way: I was READILY available to my ex, day or night. Almost always. Of course everyone has their moments when they just did not want to, mine were honestly few and far between. What’s worse is that he was “using” these sites while I was at work, in the middle of the afternoon when he should have been at work too, or as soon as I left in the morning. There it was on my computer, the dreaded “history” list; pages and pages of some of the most disgusting things I could imagine. The first time I found out about it, it nearly KILLED me, or so I thought. I cried in bed for literally TWO days. I wouldn’t let him near me, wouldn’t let him come anywhere close to me. I slept in long pants and a long sleeved shirt for weeks. I wouldn’t undress in front of him. It pulled out my heard and killed everything that I thought he saw in me as a woman and took away my feminity, or at least it felt liek it did. Initially, he denied it. Then said he went to “one site, once” when I noted that I had pages of sites, he relented. He went to church, we went on a marriage retreat, and as some time had passed, he became sweeter and more giving, he gave me the space I needed to heal. He said he was so sorry he had done anything to hurt our marriage this badly. And then, he did it again. Twice in fact. It was always when things seemed to be going well, and I seemed to stop “babysitting” him. Twice! That was it for me. I knew I could never share a life or a bed for that matter with someone I didn’t trust. And yet he called me selfish for going back to school. Interesting. I understand there are women out there who do not feel this is a problem for them, and that is fine. Everyone’s marriage has different rules, but from the beginning this was always on my NO list. He knew that. My decision to leave of course is compiled with many factors and issues outside of this, but this was a contributor I could never shake.
The next time around, when I am ready; I fully expect to find a partner who will be upfront and honest with me, who will share intimacy with ONLY me, and someone who will feel like that is all they need. No need for computers, disrespect and mistreatment of women in cyberspace. I will be ENOUGH for someone. And someday; I will find him.
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Lot’s of things can break up a marriage – mine came apart because of intimacy issues (she had no interest), emotional distance (okay, that was my response to her issues but I could have handled it better). What I can tell you is you will find someone – you have a clearer idea of what you want and need – and the right man is out there.
Good luck!
Yes! You will find someone worthy of your time and effort. Anyone who would lie to you in that way obviously was taking you and your good heart for granted. Shame on him!
Hooray for you knowing your worth! Good luck to you!
A relationship is about give and take, it is not about “me”… but it is based on trust and honesty, communication and perhaps even love. Without trust and honesty, there is no chance for love.
Unfortunately you are in the majority now, the divorced. But don’t despair the world is full of candidates, and you will find another, your eyes are open wider wider now, perhaps judging more. The next time will be magical, if you let it.
I have not been married but I do know the importance of communication. You did tell him about what should-not-be-done. So, I guess your disappointment is anticipated. I am sorry this happened.
I guess honesty and truthfullness stems from confidence. It is confidence which gives people the strength to quote themselves the way they are. A truly secure person would tell you rightaway what he can and what he can not do. On the other hand, an insecure person would consider a short term perspective.
Good thing is, you are taking lessons from bad experiences. I am quite certain you will have a wonderful life to follow.
To quote Shawshank Redemption,” No good thing ever dies”
Thanks for that. He was just not a very truthful person, that is what a marriage should be based upon: trust, without that what do you have?
Thank you for this post. I can very much relate to it. I am so sorry you have been hurt like this, and even though I don’t know you…I know you can survive this!
I, too, found the use of porn by my estranged spouse a violation of trust and intimacy. But even worse were the lies: it was just once; I was just curious; I got caught in a porn-ado. I’m not sure what a healthy use of porn might be; it always seems to become more often and darker. It’s enormously painful and feels like a rejection of true intimacy. Thanks for sharing yourself so honestly.
I know exactly how you feel, when I found out what sites he had been on and how often, I was sick over it. I completely lost my feeling of being a woman and was disgusted, I slept in full pants and long sleeved shirts for weeks and couldn’t undress in front if him, he agreed to go to church and seek council then months later he did it again, I just couldnt love him the same after that, it was the beginning of the end
DAMN RIGHT YOU’LL FIND HIM!!!