I am writing to you today about something I never felt I would be ready to talk about, or share for that matter. However, I have had a change of heart over the last week, you see; I have discovered many blogs of others with similar situations, some have been funny and ironic, others have been heart wrenching and deeply sad. With that being said, I have really enjoyed (not that I have enjoyed your sadness) but I have enjoyed sharing in your lives, even if only via blog. One thing about a divorce is that knowing you have a support community out there (anywhere, even in cyberspace) is really helpful and therapeutic. I don’t feel that I need any type of counseling, but this is really the outlet I needed to express my experiences, and I DO feel I owe that to you. You see, the reason I am so “Ok” with my divorce is because I was no longer in love with my ex, and that came after many chances I had given him over the years. Eventually the trust wore out and the bottom dropped out, and that came months before I actually heard myself saying the words “I want a divorce”
I could write a book on why my marriage didn’t work out, honestly. My ex very much hustled me before our wedding, hiding all kinds of things and telling lies I believed. *He had even told me he graduated from a school he had never even been to, turns out he has never even taken a college class. Anyway, back to the subject at hand, I was going to talk about something I never thought that I would, but here goes: a HUGE problem in my marriage (and I later found out it started while we were dating) was pornography. I guess you would call it an “addiction” but I saw it as a sickness, a complete violation of of marriage vows and a major issue of trust. I found these sites on the computer one day when I became suspicious of why I was being consistently “turned down” by him. I won’t go into detail here as I feel I have shared a lot as it is, but I will put it this way: I was READILY available to my ex, day or night. Almost always. Of course everyone has their moments when they just did not want to, mine were honestly few and far between. What’s worse is that he was “using” these sites while I was at work, in the middle of the afternoon when he should have been at work too, or as soon as I left in the morning. There it was on my computer, the dreaded “history” list; pages and pages of some of the most disgusting things I could imagine. The first time I found out about it, it nearly KILLED me, or so I thought. I cried in bed for literally TWO days. I wouldn’t let him near me, wouldn’t let him come anywhere close to me. I slept in long pants and a long sleeved shirt for weeks. I wouldn’t undress in front of him. It pulled out my heard and killed everything that I thought he saw in me as a woman and took away my feminity, or at least it felt liek it did. Initially, he denied it. Then said he went to “one site, once” when I noted that I had pages of sites, he relented. He went to church, we went on a marriage retreat, and as some time had passed, he became sweeter and more giving, he gave me the space I needed to heal. He said he was so sorry he had done anything to hurt our marriage this badly. And then, he did it again. Twice in fact. It was always when things seemed to be going well, and I seemed to stop “babysitting” him. Twice! That was it for me. I knew I could never share a life or a bed for that matter with someone I didn’t trust. And yet he called me selfish for going back to school. Interesting. I understand there are women out there who do not feel this is a problem for them, and that is fine. Everyone’s marriage has different rules, but from the beginning this was always on my NO list. He knew that. My decision to leave of course is compiled with many factors and issues outside of this, but this was a contributor I could never shake.
The next time around, when I am ready; I fully expect to find a partner who will be upfront and honest with me, who will share intimacy with ONLY me, and someone who will feel like that is all they need. No need for computers, disrespect and mistreatment of women in cyberspace. I will be ENOUGH for someone. And someday; I will find him.