Young And Divorced… fumbling back toward fabulous one day at a time

I am coming to realize that not blogging for long periods of time, ends up leaving big gaps in stories, and makes things confusing. I guess I am ready to back track now, and I can write about things now, that I wasn’t able to at the time because of emotions. Now I can look back on things a little more objectively.

Last weekend was Miel’s birthday. I had planned out an entire evening that I thought he would really enjoy, and all day last Friday I was excited for the night to begin. We had both worked hard all week and were looking forward to getting out and having fun. I had gotten him some gifts I thought he would like, picked up a pretty chocolate cake from the bakery and was dressed to hit the town by the time I got to his place on Friday night. We had a bourbon, and relaxed for a little bit before heading out to our 8pm reservations at this incredible new Laotian restaurant in town that I had spent days poring over the reviews on. I am so glad it did not disappoint. Miel seemed really happy and our conversations flowed with ease, nothing new there. The atmosphere, service and cuisine were all fantastic. I breathed a sigh of relief at the end of the meal. Feeling I had pulled off a successful and romantic birthday dinner. Whew. Next up was a favorite bar of his I had never been to. Its underground, has little signage outside and the inside is dark, small and perfectly cozy. Its reminiscent of an old speak easy, and often there are lines outside of thirsty bourbon lovers, anxiously waiting for someone to leave so the next person can fit, yes it’s THAT small. We had a great time, we had a seat at the bar and I had the best ever old fashioned of my life. At the end of the night I gave myself a figurative pat on the back and smiled at the flow of the entire night. It was one of my favorite dates, and I was glad we both enjoyed ourselves so much. Holidays, birthdays etc. often put on so much pressure that disappointment can come easily. On Camber’s birthday, she ended up in tears. On my birthday we just went to dinner, and mine could have possibly ended in tears too, I don’t really remember. All I know is that when I plan something for someone, I want it to be completely on point, smooth and drama free. I had succeeded, at least this time.

Later in the week, something got weird. Something in my head got weird I guess. There was just something between Miel and me that I felt hanging in the air, something unsaid, something that needed to be quenched. I mistakenly brought up this subject matter late last week, and it ended up causing grief, frustration, and angst on both sides. I’m happy to say that is behind us, but I still feel a little pang of hurt when I think back on the conversation. Essentially, I wanted to know if I was getting to a point where perhaps I was in one place, and he in another mentally. After all, he often discusses moving to other places, doesn’t speak of the future too often, and is sometimes a little bit distant, or at least I felt that way. We are coming from two very distinct and very different places emotionally. With a failed marriage behind me, I am terrified to make the same mistakes again. He on the other hand has not had a serious relationship in more than a handful of years, and I think he is certainly not ready to go too deeply into something. Well, I can respect that because I often feel the same way, except that we spend a LOT of time together, all great time, all quality time, but still: a girl wants to know after that much time if this guy is going further, or thinking about stepping back. Our conversation was one misunderstanding into another into another. We eventually just tabled the discussion and went to bed. I went home, and he stayed home. I slept like a rock and woke the next day to start working on school work, get a yoga lesson in, and try to clear my head from the week prior. Finally when I got him off of my mind, my phone buzzed, and it was him. My heart jumped and I realized immediately I could not pick up. I was in the middle of a timed midterm and had 20 minutes remaining with over 30 questions left to be answered. When I called him back, we both failed at our attempt to communicate. He wanted to do something, and I was really upset with him, I declined and we ended the call. But it didn’t make me feel better! I realized I was being distant, exactly the quality I didn’t want from him. So picking up the phone while simultaneously swallowing my pride, I called back and we had a true talk. Afterward I felt better, and I can only imagine he did too. We discussed some unsettled issues, explained our emotions and explained where we each were emotionally. Now let me tell you something that is important about this: XAH and I probably only had two conversations of this nature the entire course of our marriage, because he failed to even TRY to communicate. At the end of me and Miel’s conversation, I had no unanswered questions, and no doubts about continuing to spend time with him, which frankly I had before we talked.  I understand that there are people who judge all the time about the relationships of others, my own included. Some say not to date for X amount of time, some say if you argue with someone, then you shouldn’t be with them. I have heard it all, and frankly, I don’t care for anyone’s advice. When I got married, people would have thought XAH walked on water, and everything was perfect, the advice I got about him, could have never been more off, than what it really was in the end. The only person who has to live this life is me, and I happen to know what is best thank you is very much!

So Miel and I remain the same. I think it was good that we got past that talk, that we finally got to say some things that had gone unsaid for a little too long. And we were able to be honest and have the kind f grown up talk that sometimes just needs to happen. If there is anything I have taken away from my marriage, it’s that even if you know something is going to make the other person uncomfortable, or even if you know they won’t like talking about it, communication has to happen, or things get blown completely out of proportion in the future. I certainly don’t proclaim to be any kind of expert, but I do know I’m further along in understanding communication now, then I was before I ever got married to begin with, and that’s enough for me.